I wish I could punch you in the face.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
