I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
