i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
