I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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