one might say we're banned from that church
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
