Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
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sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
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I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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