I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
