Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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