I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
