Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
