I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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