the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
