Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
