dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
