Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm gonna have a badass scar
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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