the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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