I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
