dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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