My sheets look like a crime scene.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
