No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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