I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
