You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
