I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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