The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
