I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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