ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
