...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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