I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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