Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
