Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
