I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
