dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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