i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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