Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
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So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
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If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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