He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize
