funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
