and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
