Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
So vagazzling was a success
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
