I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
