I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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