Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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