I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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