He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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