Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
