I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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