hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
