I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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