We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
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we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
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Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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