do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
