The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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