Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
