Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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