I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
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He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
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I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
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