She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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