:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
