I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
