I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
